- Pick
cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve
pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
- Retrieve
cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new
pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve
pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse.
- Kneel
on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve
cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to
buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered priceless
figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat
in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from
below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
pencil and blow down drinking straw.
- Check
label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve
cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and
close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch
screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt
away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Call fire
department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor
who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil-wrap.
- Tie cat's
front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of
dining table, find heavy duty pruning glove from shed, force cat's mouth
open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece
of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat
to wash pill down.
- Get spouse
to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
store on way home to order new table.
- Arrange
for SPCA to collect cat and call pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
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